Addiction rears it’s ugly head.
I’ve found myself back in a state of gaming addiction with the dawn of the latest World of Warcraft expansion; World of Warcraft: Legion. I find myself here again because I felt the possibility of being a (gaming) success nibbling at my fingertips. This is contrary to how I feel about my Ph.D at the mid-point of my post-graduate period. At the start of any expansion, everyone is on a level playing field. I was determined to get ahead of people and master my class unlike anyone else. To some extent I have achieved that goal, but the truth is that I have been using gaming to escape what feels like a difficult post-graduate degree. The result being that I am falling behind with my work and I am neglecting friendships.
Online life is a stark contrast to reality.
When I’m playing I feel like I am doing something that I am good at. I feel focused. Successful. I am good at playing the game. I am better at playing my class than most of the people I come into contact with in the game. This may be, partly at least, due to the amount of time I spend on the game. When I come out on top of everyone else in terms of performance, I feel a sense of elation that I do not find in the doldrums of day-to-day life. Being told that you’re one of the best players someone has seen is an ego boost that you seldom receive in real life. Perhaps if I spent more time perfecting my abilities in real life, I would receive such compliments…
My character. Rather intimidating.
Life isn’t face-paced.
Any undertaking in real life can be a little lackluster. It takes time to master something or for a project to come into fruition. Each endeavour can be met with setbacks that can be disheartening. My Ph.D for example takes at least 3 years to finish. Each paper can take months or years to complete. Each draft submission is met with criticism from my peers, which often means I have to return to the drawing board. Likewise I took up teaching myself to play the piano only to falter following slow progress. My piano sits by the metaphorical wayside, gathering dust. Gaming is contrastingly fast-paced, any obstructions can either be avoided or take a few minutes to overcome. Alternatives exist in gaming which allow you to proceed in other ways, unlike the rigidity that life sometimes presents you with. You have to persevere and push forwards.
The result
To start with you don’t spend a lot of time playing, but this increases. Eventually you become aware of how much time you’re spending on the game and how much you’re not spending time on things you should be spending time on. The things that really matter to your life. This can leave one in a state of depression. Due to the never-ending style of the game and the relatively slow-paced nature of life, life feels empty. I find that I can’t focus on anything that isn’t the game. Despite my successes in the game, the game is never finished, which brings with it a feeling of anxiety to reach the furthest I can in terms of in-game progress. Even if I reached the pinnacle of in-game progress, the nature of the game means that it would not be long before an additional milestone was set before me.
When compared to the fast-paced nature of online gaming, life can seem somewhat lacking albeit frustrating. The result is that I find myself questioning my life choices. Am I addicted because I don’t find my life interesting enough? The answer is probably ‘no’. The game is designed to be addictive, to keep you playing and bringing money in for the game company. It’s an effective business model and an effective distraction from real life priorities. Unfortunately it is a destructive hobby and it needs to stop.
Next steps.
For now I’ve deleted the game and I have an appointment with counselling services for depression, during which time I will bring up my addiction. This state of mind occurs in cycles and either results from or is the cause of video game addiction. Games are an escape from the challenges of reality and I need to face them and in order to end these cycles. I think. I hope.
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