Disclaimer: Don’t get me wrong with this post, I do actively enjoy playing video games. There comes a point though where you aren’t playing games because you enjoy them, but are using them as an excuse to avoid responsibilities or avoid seeing people, and that is what I am highlighting here. Careful management of what goes on in your mind is important and games are great if you aren’t abusing them, and yourself, in this way.
This post will be a bit of a side-step to previous ones. I am writing this partly as a confession, but also in the hopes that others may be able to see that other high-functioning individuals are not alone in combatting anxiety disorders and addictions (in my case video games). Part of the key to success is identifying that you have a problem and letting people in on the fact that you have a problem so that they can support you. This certainly may not be the case for everyone, but a little nudge now and then to say “hey, you’re sliding a little” is all you need to stay on track.
I had been introduced to gaming at a very young age, I was just three years old when we got a NES in the house. Super Mario Bros 3 and Double Dragon were a great boredom killer when I was a kid. As I got older I went through the Megadrive, the Gameboy and the Playstation, so I’d been accustomed to games since I started developing memories near enough. When I was coming to the end of secondary school back in ’04, I started playing Runescape which has you collecting items and gaining ‘skill points’ in order to improve your character and its abilities. Of course, as your character improves, the idea is that your ability to play the game improves along with that and you progress further in that game. This reward system is highly addictive, each time you gain a reward in a game (such as gain a skill point, find a rare item or murder your opponent) it triggers a release of dopamine. This was the hook for me, particularly on games which had no exact ending to them.
To start with the level of gaming wasn’t so bad, for a start most games had a distinct ending, and I was just a kid so my mum was highly regulatory in how much I could play. Just like any parent would, right? The unfortunate side effect was the growing resentment I felt when she would evict me from the computer on which I was gaming, particularly when I was playing games such as Runescape with no distinct ending. When I got to sixth form in ’05 I was introduced to World of Warcraft by some people I met at school. World of Warcraft is famed for its addictive playstyle the world over, with some people taking the game to extremes in the past. Listverse lists 10 extreme cases of video game addiction, only a few of which I am guilty, but are nontheless potentially damaging to an individual.
1. I skipped school, my ultimate downfall during my A-Levels which lead to my failure of the exams.
2. I once played World of Warcraft for 18 hours in a single day. Listverse lists someone playing for 50 hours in a single stint.
3. One time didn’t leave the house for two weeks because I was gaming. Ultimately I put on quite a bit of weight over the years as a result of the lifestyle I was leading.
4. A social side effect of a gaming addiction is that you neglect those around you, your friends and family drift away and you just let it happen. Not to mention relationships.
The severe introversion and addiction went on from 2005 to 2009, I’ve spent in excess of 300 (7200+ hours) consecutive days (cumulatively) playing this one game. The money spent on the game is in excess of £1000, from purchasing game time and expansions to moving characters between servers and renaming them. It all adds up. Anxiety and depression kicked in, I was out-of-touch with the outside world, glued to the computer and tv screen while I gamed my life away. It got to the point where I got anxious about going into town on my own, or even answering the phone. The thought of going out there would claw at my mind and give me bouts of crippling physical pain which left me unable to sleep, all because of the anxiety I felt. I had a real low point one day where I felt that no one would notice if I were to die because I hardly left my bedroom anyway. This was the kick in the backside for me. After a surprisingly brief ‘tough-love’ talk with a friend, she asked me what I would want to do if I had that chance. She ended up telling me to “grab life by the proverbial balls and take what I wanted from it”. So I did. That night I applied to go back to college, with the aim of wanting study to get into university.
Not wanting to relapse into the pit I once found myself in, I walked into college with a renewed enthusiasm for education. I adapted my gaming addiction and used the reward system of education, grades, to fuel this new-found enthusiasm for the institution. I left college with almost straight distinctions and gained access into Hull University to study Geography and Archaeology. On occasion I would slide and disappear from the social scene for a week or so. I let those around me know of my past struggle and they were able to point out to me when I was retreating into my bedroom for too long to play games. My gaming never affected my studying again. Needless to say I did pretty well at university, graduating with a First in my Master of Physical Geography degree (switched degree programmes in second year) and two awards.
Now I’m doing a Ph.D, the main impact that gaming has on my life is the social aspect, and partly due to some lingering anxieties which mean that some days I just don’t wish to interact with people who are, or could be friends. I use gaming as a way of enabling my anxiety for being around people who could otherwise actively occupy my time. Recently Team Fortress 2 has been my go-to, having played 35 hours over the past two weeks (129 hours total), and it has been pointed out to me that I have been playing a lot recently. Not to say that I’m not actively involved in Ph.D life; I’ve been to the USA, Canada, Vienna, Belgium and The Netherlands for both research and recreation. I go on training trips across the country with few problems at all and I have little problem with conversing with the person next to me on the plane or train. A few years ago I couldn’t pick the phone up, let alone talk to someone in the street. Despite some hiccoughs, progress has still been made and will continue to be made. The rewards I get from my Ph.D may not be as plentiful as with my undergraduate degree, but they are there. For example, it’s rewarding when you make even a bit of progress with coding or learn how to use a new bit of equipment, and it’s great when people like your work and tell you that you’ve done a good job. As with any job right? You make progress with your work or abilities and people like what you’re doing, it feels good. There is plenty of reward to be had in a Ph.D which may sometimes seem few and far between, but you just have to be aware of it. Focus on the good.
In summary, even if you find yourself failing school when you’re young it may still be possible to pick up where you left off and give things another go. See what’s going on around you at your local college, you can do that from your computer. It will take some of your time, but addiction is not sustainable. You have to get out there. A little cliché, but the first step to overcoming a problem is admitting that you have one. Getting support from some good people will really help as you endeavour to achieve what you want to in life, but to do that you have to let them in. Just know that it is possible to overcome the issues you may face. You just have to take the first step. Thank you for taking the time to read this post.
Jimsblog 